yet another update

I haven't really thought of updating for a while. So here's what I've been up to:

• I'm getting better from my last blog. I've been talking about things more and Phil has helped lots.
• Speaking of Phil, we're dating again! :D It'll be 3 months on the 11th. This time, I'm not going to screw it up.
• I'm in the musical Beauty and the Beast. I'm a giant oven mit. hahaha. That'll be interesting.
• I'm trying harder to get my grades up. They are still not as good as I wish they were, but they're getting there.
• I think I want to go to college in the Fargo/Moorhead area.
• I really want to go back to Willmar next year for my senior year of high school. I have a deal going with my dad so hopefully that goes in my favor. Hehe
• I'm trying to get a job. I've applied for like, 3 already but im not sure if they were actually hiring or not.
• I'm hoping I'll be able to go to prom in Willmar this year. I figured a plane ticket would be as much as my dress, so I'm trying to make a deal with my parents that they can pay for the plane ticket and I'll wear the same dress as last year.
• I'm taking an art class at school and I really like it. I want to major in art in college, but I'm not sure how well that will go over.

Well, I'm not sure what else to say. Life is pretty boring right now. Nothing really new. Well, I have to go register for the ACT test now. Bye!

a much-needed update

A lot has happened since I last updated. I got a new boyfriend, I made new friends, I made bad choices, I quit my job, my boyfriend and I broke up, my grades went down, I had my heart broken twice. You can officially say that I've gone downhill. I guess we could start out by talking about my (ex) boyfriend, Jack. We started dating a while after me and Phil broke up. He was nice (or so he seemed), but he had some personal problems that he should have dealt with before we got serious. Let's just say he got me involved with things that I never wanted to have to deal with. That's why we broke up. I can't stand being walked all over for so long. He was (and still is) a jerk to me. I guess I trust people too much. At least I know not to be so trusting and accepting anymore..some people just don't deserve it. That was heartbreak number one.
Heart-break number two isn't as easy to explain, and all that I'll say about it is that it's my own fault. In a way, I broke my own heart (with the help of someone else).
I'm currently thinking about graduating early. I don't think I have very many more credits to get, so I might take online classes in the summer and possibley start college half-way through the year next year. That's kind of scary, but I want to get out of here and get on with my life.
I suppose I'm not being fair to some people here...I've made some good friends. They're really nice and they care about me. It's just that there are SOO many people who aren't nice, or that do bad things. It just doesn't feel like a very good atmosphere. My teacher just let us know that our test scores are so low, that we almost didn't get certified as a school this year. That's my other problem. My grades. I won't tell you the grueling details, but I now need a tutor for two classes.
I still think that I would be better off going back home, but my parents won't let me. I don't think they really understand. All they say is that we're staying together as a family, but I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I stay here much longer. There's a lot of negative influence. My parents say that I just have to say no and stay above it, but it's not that simple. They just don't understand how different this place is from Willmar. I mean, parents send their kids away all the time so that they'll be in a better situation, but that seems to be impossibe to my parents. All I know is that I'm leaving next summer for good, whether I'm going to graduate or go back to highschool in Willmar. I'll be 18 years old, so in less than a year, I'm gone. I don't see how it would hurt for me to leave now and get my grades up for this year.
Before I end on this joyous note, I'd like to give a quick shout-out to 3 of my friends. Thank-you to Tim and Kris for hanging out with me and helping me through this. Also, I would like to thank Phil. You're my best friend and I'm happy to still have you in my life after everything I did to you. You've also helped me through a lot.
Thanks, guys. I love you all.

a blog for me.

This post probably won't have any meaning to you, so I'm not forcing you to read it. There's just some things that I need to remember about a certain person in my life and I never want to forget these things..so I thought that I would write it down on here. I'll probably add more as time goes by and as I remember more and more. So..here goes nothing.
The things I'll miss and will never forget:

• our movie nights at my house. i'm sorry that i hardly ever let you pick out the movie..we always had fun no matter how dumb the movie was, anyway.
• the times we would talk on the phone for HOURS and somehow never run out of things to say. then, when my parents kicked me off the phone, we would text until about 2 a.m.--and then wake up around 5 a.m.
• the time we got cotton candy blizzards from dairy queen and you kept on saying "OH MY GOSH!!" hahah. then you almost ran into a parked car because you got gravel in your blizzard! =D
• when you gave me the ring and it was wrapped up, like, a MILLION times--only to find there was a stupid bouncy ball in there. then you just grabbed something off your shelf and it was the ring! tehe. that made me soo happy.
• the time that i had to leave to move to colorado and i couldn't stop crying. i would have lived in my empty house all alone just to stay there with you.
• our first kiss on my WAYYY late halloween/birthday party. that was such a fun night..
• when we would drive around town trying to figure out what to do...we would always end up either at Lulu Bean's or Dairy Queen.
• that time we went to WALMART for Tessa's birthday and had a scavenger hunt. we had to get a whole bunch of baby stuff and maternity clothes. i think people looked at us funny..
• the days that i would walk to musical practice after i was done with hockey..just so i could hang out with you.
• how we would text "I miss you.." after 5 minutes of being apart.
• how i would wear pajamas everywhere with you, and you wouldn't think any less of me.
• the time we made a new cage for Gus and it took ALLL day. i got kind of crabby and stressed, but you always seemed to know how to calm me down.
• the times you would come over for holidays and hang out with me and my family.
• the way you looked at me.
• how we were inseparable and everyone thought we would be together forever.
• the way you would put your hand behind my neck when you kissed me.
• how you would never ignore me in front of your friends and always included me.
• how you would never pressure me to do anything i didnt want.
• how you had morals, unlike 99% of teenage guys.
• how you were such a good singer.. lol
• how much you loved me..

My Love.

What is love? I never really thought that love would be what it's like in books and movies. I thought, "how could it be possible to just 'know' and then everything is just great and perfect?" This is what I questioned before I fell in love. Then I met this wonderful guy who wanted everything for me. He helped me more than he'll ever know. Every time I was with him, everything felt so right. Even after 9 months, I still got butterflies when he kissed me and my heart felt like it might burst. The air around us just felt magnificently heavy with our love. I was so incredibley secure with him and trusted him like no one else. This was a huge deal for me; it's nearly impossible for me to trust anyone. I just loved him so much and trusted him with all my heart. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was never perfect. We got into arguments and got so annoyed with eachother that I thought I would explode. But, somehow I always knew I was in love with him and didn't want to be with anyone else or be without him. Eventually, our love would be put to the ultimate test--distance. I was forced to move away from him, but we agreed to try our hardest to stay together. I didn't keep up my end of the deal.. I began to meet new people at my new school and they started to change me. I was also dealing with a mild case of depression caused by being severly homesick. Something inside of me was dying, and I started feeling confused and lost about every aspect of my life. I started to become very negative and picked out the worst things about our relationship and analyzed them to death. I was afraid of what might become of me and the changes that were occuring. I missed my love and couldn't have him near me. I was weak. Then I made a huge mistake. I left him. I left the one person that would never give up on me or judge me; the only guy i ever completely trusted. I broke his heart while breaking my own as well.
Then, I met another guy that I thought could fill that empty space he left. I wanted him to love me more than anything, but somehow I knew he never did. I searched for that "look" in his eyes that someone gave me long before and never found it. I did things I shouldn't have to see if maybe he would love me then. It never worked, and I was forced to end the relationship before things got worse. The whole time, the guy I let down was there with me..helping me even though I hurt him.
Just recently, I saw this guy that I missed so much, and the feelings rushed back like I took a hockey puck to the head. I saw that same boy that I fell in love with a year ago and I instantly loved him again. We spent a night just hanging out and talking and I felt alive again. I looked into his eyes and my heart was full. I longed to be with him, but he was with another. I didn't want to hurt her or cause un-needed drama in his life, but I was in too deep. I tried to fight the feelings, but I was happy again and I felt like this was meant to happen.. Now I sit here writing this on a notebook at 2 o'clock in the morning, crying with happiness and dismay: happy becaue he found me and dismay because we can't be together and now I have to leave him to return to Colorado. All I know now is that I need to stay here with him, whether he wants me or not. I need to be near him, hear his voice, see him... If he asked me, I'd be his.
Have you ever heard of the quote "love turns everyone into poets"? Well, I was already a poet before love. I was just waiting to be inspired..and that's exactly what happened. To the person I wrote this about, you know who you are. I am so incredibley sorry for hurting you. I was so confused and lonely, I lost sight of what really matters. I never want to hurt you again, and if you could find it in your heart to give me another chance, I'll prove it to you. I know that long distance is almost impossible, but I want nothing more than to fight through this together. I'm stronger now and can stand my ground. Help me find my way home to you. I'm ready if you are. I love you.

times they are a-changin

First off, if you haven't heard, Phil and I broke up. It was just getting hard with the distance and other stuff. I don't really feel like going into specifics.

The first week of school already passed. I have way too much homework. I'm making new friends though. I still feel like I'm an outsider, but things are getting better. I'm an official band geek, and that's the way I like it. On friday, us band geeks had a lock-in at school and it was really fun! I felt like I got to connect more with people there.

It's weird. Band is like a completely different world from the rest of highschool. Everyone is just comfortable with eachother and no one cares about what you wear or what you look like. I love that. I love not having to care. I love just being able to be myself. Needless to say, band is my favorite class.

I'm gonna post something I wrote today. Some of you may have already seen it on Facebook, but I'm posting it on here too, so here it goes:

We sit together overlooking the world.
This new place, this new person, this new time.
Who I am, where I am, and who I will become matters not.
What does matter is this moment,
and this person.

Every step I have ever taken has been bringing me closer to this moment.
Though this is not home, I almost feel a sense of belonging being here with him.
There is no need to talk.
We speak in silence.

I think of where I came from and where I am now.
And then I realize.
I am one person living two lives.
Half of me is here, half there.
I know not of what I will become,
but that is the adventure:
the excitement of the unknown.

You might not understand it all, but it's sort of just for my understanding. It makes sense to me and it applies to my life. It's about someone helping me to understand. I'm not exactly sure what they're helping me understand, but I feel like they're helping me find myself. It's also about the beauty of not knowing. Sometimes it's nice to have your future be an empty canvas. It just gives you more room to grow.

Another Update

Well I have been REALLY bad at updating this..but here goes nothing.
As you know, I visited home and went to Sonshine and saw friends. That was really fun. I missed everyone..there just didnt seem to be enough time. I got together with a big group of friends and we went to Lulu Beans. I also went out to eat with Phil, Tiffany, and Trey at El Tapatio. I mostly stayed over at my friend Alli's cabin and we went jet skiing and hung out. I didn't get to see Shea and Shelly as much as I wanted, though. I really missed Phil and the girls..and I do now that I'm gone, too. Sorry i can't post any pictures at the moment..but I'll try to get some on here for ya.
Well then I went home and got right back to Walmart.

Then Lynn and Gary (my aunt and uncle) came to visit. I got to go out to eat with them at this cool little restaurant and showed them our house. Then I had to work (of course) so I didn't get to see them anymore. I spent the weekend alone while everyone else was in Vail because I had to work. It sucked, but sometimes it's nice being alone. The first night there was this big bang outside but I couldnt see what it was. Ruby was going crazy. The next morning I saw our garbage can tipped over and the garbage was all over. I had to clean it all up. It was discusting. Haha.

Then, I registered for high school. The counselor introduced me to the band director and I got set up with band camp the next day. I was nervous because I had to spend the whole day with complete strangers..but thankfully there were nice people there that helped me and included me. I'd like to give a shout-out to Savannah, Jack, David, and the tons of other people that were the first ones to be nice and include me. Thanks a bunch, you guys.
I was at band camp for 3 days and I was worked pretty hard. There was a lot of catching up to do, but it was fun.

Last night, me and Ashley went to a movie with my new friend Jack. We went to The Dark Knight. That was one long movie! Hah. We had fun, though. Jack invited me to go sailing on Wednesday. I've never been sailing before but it sounds super fun. I really want to go, but I'm not sure if I can yet.

In the meantime, I'm just working and counting down the days until school starts (I start on Friday!) and freaking myself out a little bit. I'm kind of nervous. But oh well, I'm sure it will be fine.
Well I'm not sure what to add to that.. I'll try to post another one soon!

My week

I've been somewhat busy this last week. Monday started off with getting flowers from my Phil! They were white daisies (which happen to be my favorite!).

Then on Tuesday, Me and Ashley got our phones in the mail! This is what mine looks like:

It was supposed to be silver, but they sent me a blue one..oh well!

Then later, me and the familia went on a walk to Mitchell's school. As you can see, we had fun on the playground.

Me and Ashley in a sisterly embrace.

Apparently I can't do the splits in mid-air..

Us making some sort of discovery on a giant boulder.

Hmm..

On Thursday, I got my first paycheck! Actually, paychecks (I got two)! I ended up with 400-some dollars. And what is a girl to do with all this spare cash?

Spend it, of course!

Here are some of my first purchases:

A PedEgg. It's a super high-tech thing that takes the dead skin off your feet and makes them shiny-smooth. (It looks like a cheese-grater..not high-tech at all)

Fake Nails: specially made for those of us who are nail-biters.

Some of my favorite chocolates! Milk Chocolate Lindt's Lindor Truffles!

And finally, my camera! It's a nice little Samsung Digital. I finally have a camera of my own! Yay!

By the way..I didn't spend that much!

Only 2 more days until I come home!!!! I am so excited, I could just pee. (Shelly, Shea, and Alli--no story-telling on that note..) I still don't know what's going on with work. My manager said she wasn't sure if I could get ALL those days off..but I don't really have a choice. I can't be here for work when I'm in MN! So hopefully I won't get in trouble for calling in sick a few days..

On Tuesday, I'm getting together with a small little group of friends at Lulu Bean's. We're just going to hang out and stuff. And I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends there, too! I'm really excited to see them. It'll be tons of fun.

See you soon!

By the way, check out my new music! It's at the very bottom of the page

So scroll down!